Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Pregnancy and the Mirage of Control

There are several ways this third pregnancy has been different from my first two. The biggest difference has been the constant contractions from early on, that have gradually intensified the further along I've gotten. Many of the other differences are mental things compounded by our location.

The hardest part of this pregnancy,  in addition to being away from friends and family and especially my midwife, is how the nature of pregnancy has so much of it out of my control: I can’t be sure I will go into labor when Ben is home, I can’t be sure that I can give birth without complications, my preferred method of birth (out of a hospital) is illegal here... Nothing that I feel responsible for is really within my control- which are reasons that were true with the first two, but being surrounded by a network of people I trusted made that easier. This time I can’t even take care of my own kids well when I go into labor, and this was the part that made me feel the most desperate.  I’m thankful that God has provided someone I feel I can trust  with my kids (which, trust is also hard to do) long enough to have this new one. With that major concern out of the way, there are only a dozen others to constantly give back to the one with ultimate control. I’m having to learn a lot about letting go and realizing that my "control" is really a mirage to begin with and that God really does order our steps if we let Him, even when everything feels so wrong and I would do it all a completely different way if I possibly could. I can’t have this baby at home, though (unless he just comes really fast, but still going for a completely natural birth, supposedly made easier in the British model approach to maternity care in this hospital...) I can’t change my location and I’m not in charge of the timing of the birth of this baby ultimately.

I've been pregnant the whole time we've been in Ruwais, since we first moved in here in October, so after the major hot months coming up (right after the baby is due,) I'm looking forward to getting back into running and other physical things. As with Elias, I haven't even reached my pre-pregnancy weight that I had with Talia though I'm in my 39th week now, and that's something that reminds me that though there may be many things I can't control, the things that I can, do make a difference.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there, I don't knwo what else to say, I hate being out of control with things, and to be living somewhere else would make it really difficult.